Hey Team,

Guess who’s 10% done crossing random objectives off of his life controlling inanimate list! If you didn’t guess me, you suck at this game.

It’s been another busy week of bad traveling but I think that everything will calm down a little on that front. The last of the scheduled events from this month are out of the way so as strange as it sounds I have a little more freedom now (Brett, you’re saying you have more freedom now than you did last week when you were still an unemployed vagrant? Yes.)

Trying to slog through hours of footage for the podcast has made life a little daunting too. I’m sorry I’ve been putting so much focus on that instead of updating the articles. I’m trying to find a better balance. Honest! So, I hope today makes up for some of my slacking. Here’s a new story! AND later today that video I’ve been promising may appear!

Okay, the question on the tip of everyone’s lips? What the crap has Brett been doing all week?! I’ll skip to the good part.

I was in New York last week with the little sis and her dude and guess what I saw! (Yes, I did see an old lady taking her turtle out for a walk. Good guess, but that wasn’t what I was talking about.)
Turtle Walking

I saw a really for real Freak Show on Coney Island!

Freak Show!

#49…gone!

In some ways it was exactly what I hoped it would be. When I put it on my list it was because I had recently read a biography on P.T. Barnum and was disappointed by the idea that the era of absurd showmanship was lost from America forever. Yes, Barnum was a huge rip-off artist…but there’s a reason it’s called a rip-off “artist.” There’s no denying the dude had skills.

I’m proud to announce that there are still a handful of showmen left on Coney Island that would be happy to rip you off. And like I said, that may be exactly what I was looking for. No pictures of the freaks (Again! That’s getting to be a really lame habit with some of the stuff on this list.) because of their own self proclaimed copyright restrictions. More likely they don’t want anyone to know how lame their gimmicks are.

I’m so torn between trash talking and raving. I definitely got my six bucks worth of entertainment and it was everything I expected it to be and yet somehow I feel like I must have gotten raped when I wasn’t looking. Maybe it was because of the inconsistency of the sideshows themselves.

One guy drove a 20 penny nail through his face and followed it with a power drill…classic freak. I can applaud that. But one of the other shows was literally some overweight chick in skimpy (ugh) clothing dancing with a snake. Let me repeat that: She danced with a snake. That’s not a freak! That’s not even a skill! That’s just a fat chick looking for attention any way she can get it. That was a little harsh…but I still feel like I should get a small percentage of my cover refunded for having to sit through that one.

Donny Vomit
Serpentina

Which again might be exactly what I wanted. Crap. This is so confusing to write about. Much worse than trying to understand women.

There was also a sword swallower that was kind of impressive. And the classic wolfman type dude…who was also a tightrope walker (why couldn’t he have shared some of that freak-osity with the big girl?) was there. But the most impressive one was the fire-eater. Not just for shear showmanship either, her appearance alone was pretty amazing. Half her face was covered in tattoos, she had piercings everywhere AND…she was pretty clearly drunk. Which, I suppose, is kind of a testament the type of show I was watching.

Heather Holliday
Sr. Chuy
Insectavora

I guess what you should take out of this update is that an obscure slice of Americana once thought dead is actually alive and well hiding in a hole-in-the-wall on Coney Island. And if you’re looking to get ripped off (again, somehow a good thing in this case) please don’t pass up the opportunity. (Just close your eyes when the lady with the snake comes on and bring your rape whistle.)

And, if you feel like paying for free advice…


Seriously, don’t let me stop you.