Amtrekker

Hey Team,

Today’s post wasn’t written by me. Instead, the story of Beaumont comes from Christine S. a.k.a. The Brass Bunny. Thanks for the help, Christine! If you’re looking for the explanation for what the heck is going on here…click here.

Now, all that’s left for me to do is to step out of the limelight.

I’m done.

Brett.

Crustaceans and Rubber bands
by Christine S. a.k.a The Brass Bunny

My friend lives in Maine. That’s right Maine, the place that ass kisses Canada and where
the image of abundant seafood and lonely men come to mind. But this short tale is not about lonely men on a fishing boat finding love. Nay! This is about seafood dammit! More precisely about a rather unbelievably large lobster named Beaumont.

In my mail one day came this package. I was not expecting a package and I was wary. My first instinct was to think it was a bomb. Hey, I’m an irrational hermit who jumps to such conclusions. Needless to say I managed, before the blind panic set in, to look at who sent it. I was relieved to find it was from my friend in Maine. He had sent me a surprise. He had sent me, you guessed it, a giant ass lobster.

Now, I am not sure why he had sent me this or why he thought he should but he did. More intriguing though was the note I found attached to the lobster, who was also wearing a tiny top hat. Note is as follows:

Hey,

Thought you would enjoy this very big lobster my friend Tim caught the other day.
Tim was so surprised when he caught it that he had to take a picture of it. Tim is stupid like that.
Anyway, he took the picture before banding him and in the course of posing with the lobster, and don’t ask me how, one of the claws grabbed his pecker.
Yep, thing had a vice grip on his crotch like you wouldn’t believe. Thankfully, we got a picture of it, I put a copy of it in with the lobster.
We managed to get the lobster off him without damaging the claw, which is the best meat in my opinion.
Tim had to have a few stitches and has, so I hear, one hell of a bruise. Guess that will teach him that God made rubber bands for a reason.
Anyway, he let me have the “cursed thing” as he puts, Tim is also a drama queen. Well, I hope you enjoy it he is a big one.

P.S. By “big one” I mean the lobster, not Tim’s penis.

P.P.S. Oh, and I named him Beaumont, again the lobster, not the penis.

So, my friend in Maine decided, in his infinite wisdom, to send me this mammoth sized, penis pinching lobster. Not only that but to dress it in a top hat and give it a name. I don’t know if this was the proper motivation need to convince me to consume the beast. But, who am I to pass up free giant sized lobster anyways? Nobody with pride, that’s for sure. So I sent my friend back an email thanking him:

Hi -

Beaumont was a fine and tasty lobster. We ate like kings. All appendages spared. Enjoyed the picture, its on my fridge. Tim is kind of cute, is he single?

Later – C.

Hey Team,

Here’s another little guest post treat to hold you over. This one is comparing Portland to Seattle as a result of the recent road trip. Feel free to leave a comment or two over at the Amateur Traveler site.

Here’s the link

And don’t forget about yesterday’s post!

I’m done.

Brett.

Hey Team,

Here’s the thing about how I write posts for Amtrekker now days. I usually get an idea while I’m in the middle of doing something else that I can’t just drop so, like a respectable and professional writer, I whip out my trusty notebook, jot down a few lines and open up a Word document first chance I get. The trouble is, it seems Future Brett never speaks the same language as Past Brett.

Case in point: The only line I gave myself to go off of for this post was two words long. It said, “Rubber bands.” It’s even underlined. So…apparently there’s something that Past Brett really wants to say about rubber bands.

I’ve been wracking my brain for the last two days trying to figure out what the heck I was trying to tell myself. The only clues I have are:

1) I know where I was and what I was doing when I wrote the note and

2) I know it has something to do with travel.

As much as I love the movie Memento…this is kind of pissing me off.

That said, I suppose it could be worse. I once wrote myself a note that said:

Q: Why is he dead?

A: Crustaceans.

I would LOVE to know what that was supposed to be about. Whatever the thought behind that was I bet Past Brett was really proud of it and couldn’t wait to share it with the world.

In fact! I’m so curious, if someone wants to write me a post that would fit in with either of those notes I would be more than happy to put it up on the site as a featured guest post! That’s a great idea! This could be really fun! Send me your story (it doesn’t have to be long…I try to keep my stuff under 500 words) by Friday and I’ll pick out the best ones and let the world see what could have been!

Maybe with the help of Present You, Past Brett will finally get his message out!

I’m done.

Present Brett.